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My sister's BFF posted this clip from Seinfeld on her facebook recently, and it inspired me to write this post. It fit perfectly how I feel. See, I have some "best friends" (which reminds me, I do believe that "best friend" is not a title held just by one person)...but they live thousands of miles away. (Maybe. I'm not good with distance/geography.) They also are friends I made as a 4 year old, and a very young adult. What makes young adult different than now? A lot. I was single, I had no kids, and I was still (relatively) cool. Of course the friend circa 1986 was the easiest friend I ever made. We had stuff in common: we were friends. *see video clip, if you didn't watch it. By the way, why didn't you?
So, here I am now, 30. I am married, with kids, and I'm a stay at home mom. I feel like all those things are negatives against me, at least in the 'making friends' area. Some people would think "oh, that's not true! Make friends with the parents of your kids' friends!" Uh, have you tried that? I mean its awesome when that works. For reals. But I take Sophie to dance class and just...no. And you know, there are probably lots of other moms that feel this way but we don't have an identification system worked out, so how do you know who feels the same as you, and who is just rolling in the friends and as happy as can be, and has no room for any other friends? HOW DO YOU KNOW? When I was younger that wasn't something I ever thought about. I don't know why its the deal now. But it so is! I have some acquaintances, some casual friends...but I miss having those friends who are so close that you know everything about each other, and you can be *real*. Friends who will just come over whenever they want and walk into my house like they live here because that's how close we are. Its been a long time since I had that and I miss it dearly. My BFF/roommate from my early 20s and I did everything together. We talked about everything, we knew everything each other was feeling. But now we live states apart and we both are lame and have husbands and kids so...womp womp. I like to think that if she lived down the street things would be the same as they used to be. My best friend from childhood and I still talk nearly every day thanks to the wonder that is facebook, and I am so grateful for that. That's 26 years of friendship! You don't get that often.
But how do you just learn to be real with friends at this age? How do you allow yourself to go from acquaintance to REAL FRIEND? I do not know the answer and it seems as if its some sort of riddle. I don't think I know how to let my guard down. There's this thing with appearances, etc., that I get hung up on. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it. But I didn't feel it when I was younger. Do they want you to be a surface friend? In my head, the answer is yes. In my head, everyone already has their "close friend" quota and I'm not needed.
Whine whine. Its hard! I'm glad at least that Jerry Seinfeld sorta knows how i feel. A little.
The last time I wrote a blog post, I didn't get to write about the good, new things happening in our lives. We've had a lot of changes this year and the bad wasn't what I necessarily wanted to share first. So onto the good stuff that really matters.
This year we got an awesome house. Even better, we ended up getting to move into it the weekend between Ernie's and my birthdays, so it was like the best birthday present ever. (On the down side, we're not sure really how to ever try to top that with gifts again so...)
Oddly enough, this wasn't anything we even talked about before getting married, but as it turns out God matched us up perfectly because we both wanted to live a farm life. I guess neither of us really thought that was something that was ever going to happen, so we didn't really discuss it. Once we did, we discovered it was something we both were into. But it always seemed like it was going to be in a "once the kids are grown up" kinda way.
Amazingly, everything has come together so much earlier in life than we ever thought. We are still amazed that we are living the life we have dreamed of. As I sit here in the den, I can look out the window and look at my 6 different types of chickens and my 5 big fluffy ducks as they happily peck around in their yards. Past that I can see the neighbors horses and our huge line of evergreen trees. And to make everything better...I can't hear a thing. Its so peaceful. It may seem kinda silly that farm animals are peaceful to watch. And maybe we are just huge nerds (okay, no maybe there), but we could hang out there and watch them and be perfectly content. My sister in law, while visiting, even said "it seems like you guys have really just found your calling!" And that is putting it perfectly.
This is what we were meant to do! We love it. All the hard work is so worth it. I love raising the kids in this environment. I love that they get to go out each day and collect eggs, and that Sophie cooks those eggs every morning. Its important to me and I think its things like that, that are so easy to get disconnected from. I love so much that the kids are learning hard work. They may not always like it :) but I believe their lives will be so much richer from it.
This year has been awesome. I can't wait to see what else is in store. I can't wait to continue growing here in our home and expanding our "farm". Living off our own land is something we have dreamed about and I believe that little by little we can get there. We've just planted several fruit trees that will hopefully begin producing for us in a couple years. Soon, Ernie will plant his garden. In the years to come we'll add more livestock, and add more and more to the garden. Along the way we'll continue teaching the kids about taking care of the earth we live on, and learning how to care for these animals we raise as food, how to grow their own food and how to best nourish their bodies with it. Something I never realized, growing up, would end up being so important to me. I feel as if its my duty to do this the best way possible and I'm so blessed to have a husband who feels the same way.
Its time for me to wrap this up: I have baby chicks to take care of. :)
The past couple of months have brought lots of changes for our family. I'd love to write a post about all the good stuff, (because there's a lot of it!) but heavy on my heart right now is the crappy stuff.
We always have one aspect of our lives that is not the best. And that's just something we have to deal with. But one thing that, at least in my mind, remain constant, is family.
Family to me means a lot of things. It means safety. People come into your life, some stay, some don't...but family should be the constant. They are supposed to be permanent. Along with that permanence comes acceptance, unconditional love, and being there for one another. Supporting each other. Taking everything about the other person and saying "all of that is okay. I love you anyway. Even if you're not perfect." Its sharing with each other and having each other's back. Its knowing the details of each other's lives and keeping it to yourself. Keeping things in the family. Knowing that family comes first. Its being able to share with each other and know that the whole world isn't going to be talking about you. Its knowing that you're accepted and what you see is what you get.
I always have had that with my family. We are definitely not perfect, but I have been sure of the fact that they love me. I know that if I share something with them, it'll stay with them. I know that I have their support and prayers. I know that if I share happy news with them, they'll keep that in the family, as well. They'll let me live my life as an adult with a family of my own and still be my family, without being meddling busybodies. Without judging the way I live my life and or the way my husband and I raise our children.
I just thought that's how families were.
I didn't know that what I have is a huge blessing, and something that isn't as common as I'd assume.
Sometimes, there are families or family members who don't have, or don't know how to have, unconditional love. Sometimes they don't understand the sacredness of family. And that's sad to me.
Its got my stomach in knots knowing that, even with the tragic news yesterday -- that many families have no choice, they will never see their sweet babies again -- that someone could make a conscious decision to not see family members again because of their pride. My sweet babies are two of the biggest blessings in my life. They are bright spots in this dark world and just because of petty things and because someone can't have their own way in our lives (our adult life, with our own family to raise how we feel best), they are choosing to leave the lives of my kids and not know them anymore.
It hurts, and its sad. Very sad for my kids, but also sad for that person. Sad that their life is that way. I don't want to slander someone, I don't want to air dirty laundry, but I just want to share that this is unfathomable to me. We have to let it happen because ultimately, we have to protect and nurture our children. We have to raise them the way we see fit and the best way we know. We have to provide love and happiness for them, not manipulation and poison. We can't allow them to be jerked around. We can't allow them to learn that is what family is about.
its a sad day today. But tomorrow is a different day, and we'll just use that as a new beginning. We, here in this household, love each other unconditionally. And that's what I want to teach my children.
Tonight, driving around running errands, I was listening to Sophie 'pretend' with Gavin in the backseat. I gotta tell you that her pretending is pretty real and specific. She has a certain idea of how things are going to go down.
She was playing on her little lavender 'laptop' and suddenly smacked it and said "oh no, the power went out! That means I can't watch any shows, and we can't open the fridge!" (Haha.)
There's a few minutes of silene, and I assume this scenario is over. Then she loudly exclaims:
"Oh man!!...I can't cook any bacon!!"
Its nice to see, as a parent, that I'm teaching her the things that really matter.
Four year ago today, Sophie Grace changed my life forever.
I have had many titles throughout my life: daughter, sister, aunt, wife, even step-mom, but 8 pounds 7 ounces gave me a title I'll have for the rest of my life: mommy. I had no idea what it would be like when they took her out of my stomach (creepy!) and I heard her cry. I even remember asking Ernie "Is that her?" like what other baby would be in the operating room during my c-section?? It was just too unbelievable for my mind to comprehend. That very first cry turned everything upside down so that nothing would ever be the same. I laid eyes on Sophie a couple minutes later and I just felt like I recognized her. I had never seen her before in my life but my heart knew her little face and her beautiful eyes and even her strong set of lungs as she wailed for a good amount of time.
She continued to wail and use those lungs for a good part of the next year. I learned what that title "mom" actually meant, as I got almost no sleep and cared more about if she was eating and sleeping and pooping and if she was clean and warm enough but not too warm, and if she was safe...I remember so much about those first few days, weeks, and months, but for the most part it passed in a blur. Sophie Grace changed life and also gave me the greatest challenge ever. During that time I wondered at my sanity at having actually wanted to be a mom, but looking back I of course would never change it.
She kept growing and slowly I began to appreciate being a mom more and more. Whereas first, it was more challenge than anything else, it slowly began to be more joy, less pain. My bald little baby grew more into a curly headed little girl (with light colored hair that confused me...) and I could see more and more the light shining from within her.
Three years old hit and the best year ever of being a mom. Every woman is different: some are drawn to the itty bitty baby stage, but I believe this stage: the 3 years old, learning to be more and more independent, and having more and more personality, is where its at for me. Sophie has shown that she is full to the top and overflowing with personality. She has hundreds of different expressions and looks that mean so many different things, and I feel as if I know them all. She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever had the pleasure to know and she amazes me on a daily basis at the things she thinks, feels, and understands. To say that I never knew having a daughter would be like this would be a gross understatement.
Many people say they fell so in love instantly with their babies the second they saw them. While this is true: my heart of course loved her as soon as I knew her, I believe Sophie and I got to know each other and I truly realized the full extent of my love for her after going through such trying times in my early days/months as a mom. Maybe that seems harsh, but I don't believe that to be so. Whether it happened suddenly or gradually, over time, I know that my heart could never be fuller than it is now. Sophie dropped into my life and changed everything, and I am a far better person than I could ever possibly have been on my own.
Happy birthday to my beautiful, precious, intelligent, caring and hilarious little Sophie Grace. Words cannot tell you how proud I am of the person you are and I am so blessed to be allowed to know and care for you.
Today we had Sophie's 4 year check up at the doctor. I can't believe she's going to be 4 in just a couple weeks...ridiculous.
Sophie did great. She weighs 42 pounds and is 42 inches tall...so in the 90th percentile for both! I told her doc that people always say "Oh my gosh she's only THREE?!" like I gave birth to the child of the Jolly Green Giant or something, and she just rolled her eyes and said "she's perfect". She proportional, so not to worry! Which I knew but is always so good to hear from a smarty pants. She had Sophie spell her name, hop on one foot, talk about dressing herself (no problem, Sophie was wearing her pink camo wool socks and water shoes, if she needed any proof that Sophie does, indeed, dress herself). She was impressed that Sophie wrote her name for her, and doubly impressed when she told the doc what to do in an emergency (call 911!!).
The doctor was delighted with most everything else. :) She was happy with us eating paleo, which is so nice to hear. Sophie's last pediatrician had no idea how Sophie would ever grow or use her brain without a diet full of wheat, so it was nice that this doctor knew what "paleo" was, and actually showed approval over it. Success! (Not that it matters, either...I made it clear to the un-believer that I'm the parent so I'll feed her/raise her/discipline her/do whatever I want the way I see best, and I'd do the same if this one doubted me as well;). )
We had to go over to the lab to have blood work to check for anemia "real quick" after the appointment, because Sophie has been anemic in the past so we always have to keep up with that. The lab was packed! The receptionist gave Sophie some paper and crayons and Sophie announced very loudly that she was drawing Loki and Thor. The teenage boy across from us looked at her in admiration. Finally when we got back there Sophie got her finger stuck and then squeezed and squeezed for blood to fill up a tube. She just sat and stared though, so I was a pretty proud mama. The lab techs said she was awesome and that the "big girl" before her had to be held down (she was maybe 18).
The only thing that wasn't the best was that she failed her eye test. :( Noooooooo. I have been hoping and hoping she wouldn't get my bad eyes...I had to schedule a follow up with an eye doctor to have her tested more thoroughly. I hope she doesn't need glasses already! Sad day.
Overall it was a success for my big girl. :)
For serious. I don't know if I've posted on here about Gavin's food aversions, but I have lamented about it often on facebook, and if you know me well, you know it is a HUGE source of stress for me. He's not just a picky eater, he has a serious phobia about certain foods. Not even just certain foods: MOST foods except for a select few things, and all junk food. Honestly, if it comes in a package, most likely he will eat it. Anything that comes in a happy meal, macaroni and cheese (but it has to be in the blue box!), frozen chicken nuggets (even after I showed him the video of how they MAKE those...*shudder*), hot dogs, ALL CANDY, chips, etc.
I hate it. I suppose I could just feed him chips and fast food every day to make things easy, and life would be happy, there would be no tension here at home...call me crazy, but I care what he's putting into his growing body and what's fueling his growing and changing mind. I cringe thinking about all the nutrients he's missing out on, and wonder if he's sick all the time with a chronic cough because he'll only eat crap. I get lucky in the fact that he WILL eat baby carrots and apples. I send those puppies in his lunch every day! I'd get sick of that much repetition, but I am seriously at a loss most of the time on meals. I have made it clear that I am not a short order cook. I make very healthy and delicious meals for the family, and that is what everyone eats. But it is like Armageddon in here on nights that I try to get him to eat something that isn't fried or full of who knows what. Its awful.
So tonight, we cooked out for the first time this season. Hooray! Here's what I had to make: turkey burgers. I didn't have any hot dogs (because I usually don't). I put the turkey burger on his plate with some fruit and veggies. Let's get this straight: If it was covered with a bun and in a wrapper that said "McDonalds", he'd be digging in. But we don't eat buns up in here, and he doesn't like condiments, so this is just straight meat patty. While the rest of us dug in, Ernie and I steeled ourselves for the stressful meal.
Then hell froze over and some pigs flew by the window.
When prompted, he TOOK A BITE of the turkey burger. And you know what you guys?! He didn't die or puke. It was a miracle! So, I did the grown up, adult thing.
I cried. You have to understand how much this is on my mind, every day. Do you see all my posts on facebook about health and nutrition?? Do you understand that I just want the best for these kids?? It kills me every day that I try to make something that is unoffensive to him but that will not also add to obesity or disease. So, when he took a bite of something unprocessed and un-fast-food, I shed a little tear. Awkward! But that is okay. I will feel embarassed at the dinner table for this VICTORY, and it is definitely a victory in this house. I feel like taking all the money out of my purse and showering it on him.
It made such an impact on me, I had to blog about it and let everyone know I cried over a turkey burger. :)
