What family means to me.

The past couple of months have brought lots of changes for our family.  I'd love to write a post about all the good stuff, (because there's a lot of it!) but heavy on my heart right now is the crappy stuff.  
We always have one aspect of our lives that is not the best.  And that's just something we have to deal with.  But one thing that, at least in my mind, remain constant, is family.  
Family to me means a lot of things.  It means safety.  People come into your life, some stay, some don't...but family should be the constant.  They are supposed to be permanent.  Along with that permanence comes acceptance, unconditional love, and being there for one another.  Supporting each other.  Taking everything about the other person and saying "all of that is okay.  I love you anyway.  Even if you're not perfect."  Its sharing with each other and having each other's back.  Its knowing the details of each other's lives and keeping it to yourself.  Keeping things in the family.  Knowing that family comes first.  Its being able to share with each other and know that the whole world isn't going to be talking about you.  Its knowing that you're accepted and what you see is what you get.  
I always have had that with my family.  We are definitely not perfect, but I have been sure of the fact that they love me.  I know that if I share something with them, it'll stay with them.  I know that I have their support and prayers.  I know that if I share happy news with them, they'll keep that in the family, as well.  They'll let me live my life as an adult with a family of my own and still be my family, without being meddling busybodies. Without judging the way I live my life and or the way my husband and I raise our children.
I just thought that's how families were.  
I didn't know that what I have is a huge blessing, and something that isn't as common as I'd assume.
Sometimes, there are families or family members who don't have, or don't know how to have, unconditional love.  Sometimes they don't understand the sacredness of family.  And that's sad to me.  
Its got my stomach in knots knowing that, even with the tragic news yesterday -- that many families have no choice, they will never see their sweet babies again -- that someone could make a conscious decision to not see family members again because of their pride.  My sweet babies are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  They are bright spots in this dark world and just because of petty things and because someone can't have their own way in our lives (our adult life, with our own family to raise how we feel best), they are choosing to leave the lives of my kids and not know them anymore.
It hurts, and its sad.  Very sad for my kids, but also sad for that person.  Sad that their life is that way.  I don't want to slander someone, I don't want to air dirty laundry, but I just want to share that this is unfathomable to me.  We have to let it happen because ultimately, we have to protect and nurture our children.  We have to raise them the way we see fit and the best way we know.  We have to provide love and happiness for them, not manipulation and poison.  We can't allow them to be jerked around.  We can't allow them to learn that is what family is about.  
its a sad day today.  But tomorrow is a different day, and we'll just use that as a new beginning.  We, here in this household, love each other unconditionally. And that's what I want to teach my children.

You mean there's no bacon?!

Tonight, driving around running errands, I was listening to Sophie 'pretend' with Gavin in the backseat.  I gotta tell you that her pretending is pretty real and specific.  She has a certain idea of how things are going to go down.

She was playing on her little lavender 'laptop' and suddenly smacked it and said "oh no, the power went out!  That means I can't watch any shows, and we can't open the fridge!" (Haha.)

There's a few minutes of silene, and I assume this scenario is over.  Then she loudly exclaims:

"Oh man!!...I can't cook any bacon!!"

Its nice to see, as a parent, that I'm teaching her the things that really matter.

Four year ago today, Sophie Grace changed my life forever.
I have had many titles throughout my life: daughter, sister, aunt, wife, even step-mom, but 8 pounds 7 ounces gave me a title I'll have for the rest of my life: mommy.  I had no idea what it would be like when they took her out of my stomach (creepy!) and I heard her cry. I even remember asking Ernie "Is that her?"  like what other baby would be in the operating room during my c-section??  It was just too unbelievable for my mind to comprehend.  That very first cry turned everything upside down so that nothing would ever be the same.  I laid eyes on Sophie a couple minutes later and I just felt like I recognized her.  I had never seen her before in my life but my heart knew her little face and her beautiful eyes and even her strong set of lungs as she wailed for a good amount of time. 
She continued to wail and use those lungs for a good part of the next year.  I learned what that title "mom" actually meant, as I got almost no sleep and cared more about if she was eating and sleeping and pooping and if she was clean and warm enough but not too warm, and if she was safe...I remember so much about those first few days, weeks, and months, but for the most part it passed in a blur.  Sophie Grace changed life and also gave me the greatest challenge ever.  During that time I wondered at my sanity at having actually wanted to be a mom, but looking back I of course would never change it. 
She kept growing and slowly I began to appreciate being a mom more and more.  Whereas first, it was more challenge than anything else, it slowly began to be more joy, less pain.  My bald little baby grew more into a curly headed little girl (with light colored hair that confused me...) and I could see more and more the light shining from within her.
Three years old hit and the best year ever of being a mom.  Every woman is different: some are drawn to the itty bitty baby stage, but I believe this stage: the 3 years old, learning to be more and more independent, and having more and more personality, is where its at for me.  Sophie has shown that she is full to the top and overflowing with personality.  She has hundreds of different expressions and looks that mean so many different things, and I feel as if I know them all.  She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever had the pleasure to know and she amazes me on a daily basis at the things she thinks, feels, and understands.  To say that I never knew having a daughter would be like this would be a gross understatement.
Many people say they fell so in love instantly with their babies the second they saw them.  While this is true: my heart of course loved her as soon as I knew her, I believe Sophie and I got to know each other and I truly realized the full extent of my love for her after going through such trying times in my early days/months as a mom.  Maybe that seems harsh, but I don't believe that to be so.  Whether it happened suddenly or gradually, over time, I know that my heart could never be fuller than it is now.    Sophie dropped into my life and changed everything, and I am a far better person than I could ever possibly have been on my own.

Happy birthday to my beautiful, precious, intelligent, caring and hilarious little Sophie Grace.  Words cannot tell you how proud I am of the person you are and I am so blessed to be allowed to know and care for you.

Check up

Today we had Sophie's 4 year check up at the doctor.  I can't believe she's going to be 4 in just a couple weeks...ridiculous. 
Sophie did great.  She weighs 42 pounds and is 42 inches tall...so in the 90th percentile for both!  I told her doc that people always say "Oh my gosh she's only THREE?!" like I gave birth to the child of the Jolly Green Giant or something, and she just rolled her eyes and said "she's perfect".  She proportional, so not to worry! Which I knew but is always so good to hear from a smarty pants.  She had Sophie spell her name, hop on one foot, talk about dressing herself (no problem, Sophie was wearing her pink camo wool socks and water shoes, if she needed any proof that Sophie does, indeed, dress herself).  She was impressed that Sophie wrote her name for her, and doubly impressed when she told the doc what to do in an emergency (call 911!!). 
The doctor was delighted with most everything else. :)  She was happy with us eating paleo, which is so nice to hear.  Sophie's last pediatrician had no idea how Sophie would ever grow or use her brain without a diet full of wheat, so it was nice that this doctor knew what "paleo" was, and actually showed approval over it.  Success! (Not that it matters, either...I made it clear to the un-believer that I'm the parent so I'll feed her/raise her/discipline her/do whatever I want the way I see best, and I'd do the same if this one doubted me as well;). ) 
We had to go over to the lab to have blood work to check for anemia "real quick" after the appointment, because Sophie has been anemic in the past so we always have to keep up with that.  The lab was packed!  The receptionist gave Sophie some paper and crayons and Sophie announced very loudly that she was drawing Loki and Thor.  The teenage boy across from us looked at her in admiration.  Finally when we got back there Sophie got her finger stuck and then squeezed and squeezed for blood to fill up a tube.  She just sat and stared though, so I was a pretty proud mama. The lab techs said she was awesome and that the "big girl" before her had to be held down (she was maybe 18). 
The only thing that wasn't the best was that she failed her eye test. :( Noooooooo.  I have been hoping and hoping she wouldn't get my bad eyes...I had to schedule a follow up with an eye doctor to have her tested more thoroughly.  I hope she doesn't need glasses already! Sad day.
Overall it was a success for my big girl. :)

Hell just froze over you guys

For serious.  I don't know if I've posted on here about Gavin's food aversions, but I have lamented about it often on facebook, and if you know me well, you know it is a HUGE source of stress for me.  He's not just a picky eater, he has a serious phobia about certain foods.  Not even just certain foods: MOST foods except for a select few things, and all junk food.  Honestly, if it comes in a package, most likely he will eat it.  Anything that comes in a happy meal, macaroni and cheese (but it has to be in the blue box!), frozen chicken nuggets (even after I showed him the video of how they MAKE those...*shudder*), hot dogs, ALL CANDY, chips, etc. 
I hate it.  I suppose I could just feed him chips and fast food every day to make things easy, and life would be happy, there would be no tension here at home...call me crazy, but I care what he's putting into his growing body and what's fueling his growing and changing mind.  I cringe thinking about all the nutrients he's missing out on, and wonder if he's sick all the time with a chronic cough because he'll only eat crap.  I get lucky in the fact that he WILL eat baby carrots and apples.  I send those puppies in his lunch every day!  I'd get sick of that much repetition, but I am seriously at a loss most of the time on meals.  I have made it clear that I am not a short order cook.  I make very healthy and delicious meals for the family, and that is what everyone eats.  But it is like Armageddon in here on nights that I try to get him to eat something that isn't fried or full of who knows what.  Its awful. 
So tonight, we cooked out for the first time this season.  Hooray!  Here's what I had to make: turkey burgers.   I didn't have any hot dogs (because I usually don't).  I put the turkey burger on his plate with some fruit and veggies.  Let's get this straight: If it was covered with a bun and in a wrapper that said "McDonalds", he'd be digging in.  But we don't eat buns up in here, and he doesn't like condiments, so this is just straight meat patty.  While the rest of us dug in, Ernie and I steeled ourselves for the stressful meal.
Then hell froze over and some pigs flew by the window.
When prompted, he TOOK A BITE of the turkey burger.  And you know what you guys?!  He didn't die or puke.  It was a miracle!  So, I did the grown up, adult thing.
I cried.  You have to understand how much this is on my mind, every day.  Do you see all my posts on facebook about health and nutrition??  Do you understand that I just want the best for these kids??  It kills me every day that I try to make something that is unoffensive to him but that will not also add to obesity or disease.  So, when he took a bite of something unprocessed and un-fast-food, I shed a little tear.  Awkward!  But that is okay.  I will feel embarassed at the dinner table for this VICTORY, and it is definitely a victory in this house.  I feel like taking all the money out of my purse and showering it on him. 
It made such an impact on me, I had to blog about it and let everyone know I cried over a turkey burger. :)

Satan invented gluten, you know.

Want to hear me gush about the benefits of eating paleo some more? I bet you do!
Sorry if you don't...I'm not that interesting so we'll stick with stuff I'm excited about.

There have been a ridiculous amount of positive changes and benefits to us switching to a paleo lifestyle.  More than I thought.  Quite a while ago we decided we'd try it, because what could it hurt, right?  Most people who care enough to take the time to read my blog posts also know that over the past year I had a lot of health problems and scary things go on that were sort of a mystery to doctors.  Enough that we really would try anything to improve my health and reverse the things that were going on. 
So anyway, we went back and forth with paleo.  We ate a good portion of our food 'paleo friendly' but we also ate non-paleo stuff.  Or sometimes we'd stick to it then get off track.  But I got sick of that.  Literally, SICK.  And I was tired of always being sick.  Sick, and fat...and no matter what I tried, I couldn't feel better, and I couldn't lose weight.  I wasn't a closet binge-er or anything, either.  It wasn't like I was only being good in public and then doing stuff to sabotage my success.  I couldn't figure it out and that kind of thing is so frustrating it makes me want to scream and cry.  I decided to just suck it up. 
The beginning of switching to a totally paleo lifestyle is, I won't lie, hard.  Really tough.  You realize what you are really addicted to, and you want those things you've given up more than you want anything!  Food is scarier than an addiction to crack. Because, you know, you have to eat!  May as well eat pasta and cookies and chips, right??  Okay so we ate pretty 'healthy' in the first place.  But becoming really strict about it takes quite the adjustment period.  I have no will power.  I'm very impressed with myself that I finally reached the point where I could give everything up and do it semi-easily.  I guess maybe 3 hospital visits in one year and multiple doctors visits with different doctors with no real answers is my final straw.  I'm 29 for crying out loud. Not 70. 
So a benefit I have is that I love to cook, and I'm a stay at home mom.  That is a hard job, don't get me wrong, but it also puts me here, in the house, more than I would be if I had a job outside the home, and  that helps me have the ability to find good recipes and make a variety of paleo meals and snacks for us.  If I wasn't here as my job, I would probably have found that to be an overwhelming thing to start.  However, now that I know how to eat/cook/shop paleo, I can tell you: it is really easy.  If you don't have any idea what to make for dinner one night, there's no reason to panic.  Cook some meat.  Cook some veggies.  Bam. Dinner's done.  You can get fancy, which is nice to add some variety, but you can also do it that basic and you'll have a satisfying meal.
What was my point...? Oh yeah.  Okay so I finally made up my mind and stuck to it.  Amazing.  I had no idea I felt SO BAD before.  Yeah I felt bad enough a few times to make my way to the hospital (I even took my first ever ambulance ride...scary), but I didn't realize how bad I felt on a daily basis.  Every single day, I felt some sort of aches and pains.  Did I find that troubling? NO (which is even scarier). I just had lived like that so long, that it was normal. It was life.  Everyone must have that right? No, wrong.  My aches and pains went away.  My constant stomach/intestinal issues/pains/discomfort...GONE.  The crippling chest pain I had been having that made me feel, honestly, that I was going to die (but doctors couldn't figure out) has been gone for months, with no indications of returning.  That is the biggest thing.  To make *that* pain go away, I'd really do almost anything.  I have enough energy to exercise regularly, and on top of that, I *want* to.  When I don't, I notice a difference in the way I feel, emotionally.
Aside from my health problems prompting me to this change, a big...no, HUGE factor in my success was reading Robb Wolf's book, The Paleo Solution, which you can buy here (and I highly recommend doing so...even if you're skeptical about this "paleo" thing.)
I was reading this book and he asked a list of questions, and as I read them, I thought..."oh my gosh. He wrote this book for ME." Because:
Yes, I sleep less than 9 hours per night.  YES, I have problems falling asleep/staying asleep.  I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed...I really only get to feeling fully awake in the evening, when its almost time for sleep again!  YES, i'm tired and achy all the time!  I DO have frequent upper-respiratory infections.  I DO live and die by stimulants (COFFEE)...I have definitely gained fat in the midsection, even carefully watching my food intake.  I HAVE SO experience memory problems (which has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Why can't I just freaking REMEMBER stuff?!) And I definitely have problems with depression.
These were the answers to almost every single question on his list.  What is the solution to all of these things?  Eat paleo. And get sleep.
I've been doing those things and you cannot truly understand the difference its made unless you live with me.  Seriously.  Night and day.  I still have a significant amount of weight to lose.  And while that's really troubling to me, its a slow process and I just have to accept that.  The most important part is the difference it has made in my health and well-being. 
Another sign of this is recently, I had something by mistake that had gluten in it.  If I was skeptical before that eating paleo was causing all the beneficial changes, this would have made me a believer.  I felt SO SICK.  My stomach cramped up.  I got a headache. I got itchy.  Oh man I felt terrible.  From ONE thing.  I had never realized before how food was making me feel...but going back to the 'old ways' showed me just how awful I was always feeling, and I was just so used to it I didn't even notice. That was kinda scary. 
Another thing I realized, as I thought more about it and paid attention to the effects that slip up had on me, was how much my mood is effected by the things I put in my body.  That one incident made me feel a little crazy.  Like I was on a roller coaster. So I went back through my brain and looked at the calender and I could actually pin point the roller coaster emotions as being times when we were eating only 'sorta' paleo.  Artificial, processed things and gluten actually do, in fact, make me crazy.  You get sort of a euphoric feeling at the moment you are eating those things, and then a huge crash.  I felt overly emotional (which for me, is saying something) the next few days.  Stupid little things made me cry.  This last time, I felt like my world was honestly coming to an end, over stuff that really wasn't that big of a deal.  I cried, felt so overly depressed I couldn't go about my normal daily business...and why would I ever want to feel that way??
Isn't that ridiculous?!  It helped, though, in a major way, to reinforce in my mind that we are doing the absolute right thing.  Eating paleo has changed my life.  I'm not where I want to be, physically, but everything else has made such a huge turn around.  And its awesome!  If you need me, I'll be standing on the corner with a pro-paleo sandwich board on, ringing a bell.

Bam! Bacon!

I feel Sophie's little pearl of wisdom from yesterday deserves it's own blog post.  We were driving out to pick Gavin up from school, and we drive through a lot of farm land.  This got her talking about farm animals...
"Mom.  We should get a pig.  Not a boy pig, because they're mean, but a girl pig.  So we should get a girl pig, and when the pig gets all the way fat...BAM -- bacon!"

Man, she's so smart. 
I've tried to let her know about how we get meat, and apparently she sort of gets the concept.