Boys and Girls and People

We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.
-Gloria Steinem

 

I posted this quote on my facebook yesterday and I have been thinking about it since.  I am a huge advocate of teaching my daughter to be a person, not just a "girl".  You will never hear me say she can't do something or have something because its for boys.  I am not for that.  Can you wear that Star Wars shirt? Yes, you can, because its for a person, and you are a person.  Can you play with those awesome Legos?  Yep.  They're for kids (or, adults, my mister would argue), and you're a kid.  Can you wear that Captain America costume? Yes, because Captain America is awesome.  And you're awesome.  (Really, I don't care that he is a male super hero...he is strong, and kind, and moral and does the right thing.  Who wouldn't want their kids to look up to that??  Also,he doesn't wear his chones to fight crimes, so that's a plus.)

I don't try and shove this girls and boys are equal stuff down her throat, but it is woven into our daily interactions.  You are a girl, yes. Embrace that!  Have tea parties and learn to cook with me and wear the dresses you love.  First and foremost though, you are a human being.  A person.  A person with strengths, and brains, and talents, and things you need to work on.  You can be whatever you want to be and do whatever you set your mind to.  Somewhere along the line, some girl had to have the dream of being the first female astronaut, and had to work hard to achieve that.  And she did it.  A long time ago, a bunch of strong awesome fearless women had to fight for their right to vote.  And they did it.  It was hard.  But they kept at it!  And kicked butt.  You can do that, little girl!  You can go out back and chase our chickens around and clean out their coop, and then go play basketball, or shoot a gun, then come in and help cook dinner and wear a dress.  Its all for you, whether everyone else thinks its for girls or not. 

 

As much as I embrace all of this, do I take the time to make sure my boy knows this as well?  I like to think so but I am not sure that I spend the time telling him its okay if he wants to sew, or wear pink, or scrapbook with us.  All those things are for people.  And he's a person.  And we NEED to let our boys know these things.  I tell you what, I am so thankful that the man I married knows how to cook.  And vacuum. And do laundry. And some people (a lot of people?) would argue that those are "womanly" tasks.  (And to those people, I say...shut your dirty mouths.  Don't leave all the household drudgery to me just because I am a lady!)  We will all serve our sons well to teach them to be not only manly men, but well rounded human beings.  You can like the movie Frozen if you want.  Ain't no thang.  If you want to learn to knit...that's super cool.  You can do that and then still go out and work with tools.  Because for all these chicks kicking butt and blazing paths because we've spent the time to tell them they can do whatever they put their minds to, there needs to be boys who have been told the same thing.  Because not only will that give them the abilities to be well rounded people, it will keep them from being the people who oppose these girls doing "boy" stuff.  If we teach the boys and girls equally, maybe eventually we can just get rid of that.  Get rid of the resistance.  And I would definitely be okay with that. 

Stinky Guts

Man. Time goes too fast.  My mister and I are always looking at each other and laughing over the funny things Sophie says to us, or the ways she mispronounces words, and he often tells me we need to write these things down! 
Because sooner than we think these days will be over, and we won't remember these things that we find unforgettable right now.  I'm realizing just how quickly these years pass by.  There's a thing going around on facebook about only having this day with your kids once.  And as I see my nieces grown up: some going off to college, others graduating college, getting married (!!), moving away...I realize it more than ever.  It was just a few short years ago that they were tiny.  Tiny little girls whose nails I painted and hair I braided.  And now they're the grown ups.  And I look at my sweet little Sophie and see them in her.  And I see that today is the only today I get with her.  Tomorrow, she'll be one day older.  Its not a sad thing.  Its a good reminder to cherish everything as its happening.  She is so funny and creative.  When she's grown up, and knows the right words to use and how to say things, she'll probably have lost a little of her wild imagination.  And I want to remember it. 
Just tonight, tucking her in we had the cutest little conversation and I made the decision right there to come straight to the computer after I left her room and record it.  One day I will be able to look back and remember "oh yeah!"  She has a thing where she tells me she loves me "with all her guts".  Its changed, from just plain guts, to "I love you with all my guts, but not the stinky ones." Here's tonight's bedtime convo:
"Mom, I love you. So much.  With all my guts, but not the stinky ones.  The shiny ones. They shine like jewels!"
Me: "I love you with all my guts too."
Sophie: "I love you more than jewels that are shiny like my guts. And more than princess dresses.  And more than Juno puppy! And more than the Avengers and Loki and Spiderman! And more than the color green!...I also love the dog though. Oh and since daddy farts a lot, I love him with my guts that are a little stinky, with fart balls of air around them. And I love Gavin with my hairy guts. And the dog with my stinky dog licky guts. But remember, I love you more than shiny jewels."
How could I not love all of that?!

My sweet gift

Today was momma-daughter date day. :)  Since I spend the majority of every single day with Sophie, we don't really "do" that.  She's had a date with daddy before, but the movie theater in town is having a buy one get one free matinee movie tickets on Fridays, and I love me a deal!  So I asked Sophie if she'd like to go to a movie this Friday, just her and me.  She was super excited and has been mentioning it all week.
She woke up super early and immediately got ready for "her date".  We went and saw the movie Planes.  It was pretty cute!  Sophie had a great time and ate too much candy. 
After the movie, we went right on over to get her hair cut because she had her first self inflicted hair cut last night.  I have never worried about that before, because she knows the rule with scissors and is such a good girl.  Unfortunately, I didn't think about accidents.  Sophie didn't think about it either, and was scared to tell me she accidentally cut off some hair while she was making puppets.  Poor little thing cried and cried...but it didn't look too bad and she got a professional fix so all was well.  Then we went out to lunch, and she told me "mom I don't want to go home yet". :)  Which was surprising to me.  I mean...she is with me all day, every day.  It touched my heart that she was so happy to be spending quality time with me.  I realized though, that so much of the time its quantity, and not always quality.  She has to run my errands with me, be with me while I do chores.  Do I ever dedicate a day to doing only what she wants, even if its "wasting" productive time? Not usually.  So I happily took her to the dollar store, which is where she asked to go. (You know you live in a smaller town when having a Dollar Tree open up is exciting news.)  She got herself one of their little carts, told me she is the mommy today, and I needed to follow her.  So i did.  Since I had no real agenda while we were there, I also got to observe the other shoppers.  Like the young man who kept telling the toddler boy with him to shut it.  And the kids who wouldn't stop whining and asking for everything and then throwing fits when their mom told them no.  And the mom who had a bunch of kids with her in front of us in line who was telling the cashier how awful her 6 kids were, and how they don't listen and won't keep their grubby hands to themselves, while she also told them to shut up. :(  I don't know what was happening in these people's lives to cause these attitudes/actions I witnessed.  But I do know that listening to that particular mother made me look down at my sweet little girl, waiting patiently in line beside me, and thank God for her.  So often I'm busy, and rushed trying to get everything done.  I like to think I take time to savor the moments with her and appreciate her but I know that I don't always think about it.  I know I don't speak as harshly to her as I heard this other mother speaking to her kids, but maybe sometimes I make her feel less than important just by not paying attention.  So I'm glad we had this day for her to be assured that she is one of God's most precious gifts to me.  I'm glad she looked at me when she heard those things and said "momma I love you" and I was so happy I was able to let her know I love her, too.  And walking out to the car with her, holding hands, was one of my favorite parts of my day.  

This Kid...

I had a c-section.
I'm pretty sure I've discussed this with Sophie before.  Not in detail, but she's asked before about coming out of my tummy.  I'm not sure when this information left her mind, but tonight she brought up her birth again.  She said "mom. I came out of your tummy right? Do babies just drop out on the floor?" I don't know where she got *that*, but I told her that maybe some babies do (haha), but that they had to cut open my belly to get her out.  
Maybe I should not have just busted out that info like that, but really I thought she'd remember.  Her eyes got gigantic.  Bigger than normal.  "What? Who? Who cut me out? What did they cut you open with??"  I told her it didn't hurt, and a doctor did it who was trained how to do that sort of thing.  They gave me fancy awesome medicine that ladies get when they need babies cut out of their tummies and I felt nothing!  
That did not satisfy her, because she sat and thought a while, and then starts crying.  "Momma I am never going to have a baby!"  I told her she didn't have to, and she calmed down and I figured that was the end of it.
Nope!  About half an hour later Sophie said "mom. I do not ever want to be a grown up."  I don't blame her.  But I asked why, and she said that she doesn't want to have to have a baby in her tummy.  I told her "well, you really don't have to have any babies if you don't want any when you grow up."  She is whimper-y by this point and says "I am too scared to have my tummy cut open! It will hurt and I hate shots even!"  She thinks about it and says "I will tell the nice boy I am going to marry that I do not want any babies.  And he'll say okay, and if he doesn't say okay, I'm going to come stay at your house."  
Sounds good to me!
We then got on the subject of this 'nice boy' she is going to marry.  She told me she wants it to be someone she already met who doesn't have a girlfriend.  GEEZ. Raising a girl.  Who knew?

Raising a Farm Girl

I did not grow up on a farm.  I didn't even grow up anywhere near the country.  I've usually lived in bigger cities, but I always thought "farm life" seemed awesome.  I'm sure that surprised my family, and one of my brothers even said (sarcastically, of course) that he always imagined I'd be the one to grow up and do farm chores every day.  
My daughter definitely will not have the same childhood experience I had.  We moved out here to the country not long after she turned 4, and man.  She sure has taken to it.  Who knew I'd be raising a farm girl?  I can't imagine her any other way than the way I see her every day: running outside in her boots, hair flying everywhere, and telling me she's gonna go catch a chicken.  And I love it.  I think its a really healthy way for the kids to grow up.  
We have made it clear that the purpose of our animals is to provide for us.  They're not pets, they produce food (eggs) and will eventually be food, themselves.  I've worried just a little bit about her 4 year old mind getting that.  Because she also is very tender hearted and loves animals.  And even though we say the chickens and ducks are NOT pets, the kids have of course named them (doh!) and talk to them like they're babies.  I guess it really sunk in to me, last night, that she has made the transition to full blown farm girl...I noticed one of our momma ducks (we have two sitting on nests right now) is injured.  She can't put any weight at all on one of her legs.  When I came in from doing my nightly chores I told Sophie. I wanted her to be prepared just in case.  I thought she might seem a little sad.  She said "oh. One of the momma ducks?  So how many girl ducks do we have?" I told her right now we have 4, and one boy.  She stared out the window at them for a little bit and said "well, I guess we may have to just eat her then."  I think the boys in the house are the ones who would have a harder time with that than my sweet, tender baby girl.  Who woulda thought??

Blessings

On this day where I'm really hating this shared parenting thing and feeling so overly frustrated, I am struggling.  I'm trying to remind myself that I am SO blessed and I have to admit, its really hard to remember this sometimes.

Today sucks in some aspects.

But I have a sweet husband who would do anything for me and the kids.  He would work his hands to the bone if he had to to take care of us.  

I have an awesome step son who I've gotten to watch grow up for the past 6 years who is super kind hearted and loving, just like his dad.

I have a sweet baby girl that has a tender heart and is hilarious and keeps us on ours toes.

I get to stay home and take care of my family and watch the kids grow and change.

I get to live in this pretty neat house with enough room to have the animals and garden we want, to help us feed our family.

I have wonderful parents and siblings and nieces and nephews.

We are all healthy! 

^^^^ That's a lot of stuff to be thankful for.  And to top it all off...I have coffee.

Okay, I feel better now. 

The impossible quest for grown up friends

My sister's BFF posted this clip from Seinfeld on her facebook recently, and it inspired me to write this post.  It fit perfectly how I feel.  See, I have some "best friends" (which reminds me, I do believe that "best friend" is not a title held just by one person)...but they live thousands of miles away. (Maybe. I'm not good with distance/geography.)  They also are friends I made as a 4 year old, and a very young adult.  What makes young adult different than now? A lot. I was single, I had no kids, and I was still (relatively) cool.  Of course the friend circa 1986 was the easiest friend I ever made.  We had stuff in common: we were friends. *see video clip, if you didn't watch it.  By the way, why didn't you?
So, here I am now, 30.  I am married, with kids, and I'm a stay at home mom.  I feel like all those things are negatives against me, at least in the 'making friends' area.  Some people would think "oh, that's not true! Make friends with the parents of your kids' friends!"  Uh, have you tried that?  I mean its awesome when that works. For reals.  But I take Sophie to dance class and just...no.  And you know, there are probably lots of other moms that feel this way but we don't have an identification system worked out, so how do you know who feels the same as you, and who is just rolling in the friends and as happy as can be, and has no room for any other friends?  HOW DO YOU KNOW?  When I was younger that wasn't something I ever thought about.  I don't know why its the deal now.  But it so is! I have some acquaintances, some casual friends...but I miss having those friends who are so close that you know everything about each other, and you can be *real*.  Friends who will just come over whenever they want and walk into my house like they live here because that's how close we are.  Its been a long time since I had that and I miss it dearly.  My BFF/roommate from my early 20s and I did everything together.  We talked about everything, we knew everything each other was feeling.  But now we live states apart and we both are lame and have husbands and kids so...womp womp.  I like to think that if she lived down the street things would be the same as they used to be.  My best friend from childhood and I still talk nearly every day thanks to the wonder that is facebook, and I am so grateful for that.  That's 26 years of friendship!  You don't get that often.
But how do you just learn to be real with friends at this age?  How do you allow yourself to go from acquaintance to REAL FRIEND?  I do not know the answer and it seems as if its some sort of riddle.  I don't think I know how to let my guard down.  There's this thing with appearances, etc., that I get hung up on.  I'm not sure exactly how to explain it.  But I didn't feel it when I was younger.  Do they want you to be a surface friend?  In my head, the answer is yes. In my head, everyone already has their "close friend" quota and I'm not needed.
Whine whine.  Its hard! I'm glad at least that Jerry Seinfeld sorta knows how i feel.  A little.  

Getting back to the important things...

The last time I wrote a blog post, I didn't get to write about the good, new things happening in our lives.  We've had a lot of changes this year and the bad wasn't what I necessarily wanted to share first.  So onto the good stuff that really matters.

This year we got an awesome house.  Even better, we ended up getting to move into it the weekend between Ernie's and my birthdays, so it was like the best birthday present ever. (On the down side, we're not sure really how to ever try to top that with gifts again so...)
Oddly enough, this wasn't anything we even talked about before getting married, but as it turns out God matched us up perfectly because we both wanted to live a farm life.  I guess neither of us really thought that was something that was ever going to happen, so we didn't really discuss it.  Once we did, we discovered it was something we both were into.  But it always seemed like it was going to be in a "once the kids are grown up" kinda way.  
Amazingly, everything has come together so much earlier in life than we ever thought.  We are still amazed that we are living the life we have dreamed of.  As I sit here in the den, I can look out the window and look at my 6 different types of chickens and my 5 big fluffy ducks as they happily peck around in their yards.  Past that I can see the neighbors horses and our huge line of evergreen trees.  And to make everything better...I can't hear a thing.  Its so peaceful.  It may seem kinda silly that farm animals are peaceful to watch.  And maybe we are just huge nerds (okay, no maybe there), but we could hang out there and watch them and be perfectly content.  My sister in law, while visiting, even said "it seems like you guys have really just found your calling!"  And that is putting it perfectly.  
This is what we were meant to do!  We love it.  All the hard work is so worth it.  I love raising the kids in this environment.  I love that they get to go out each day and collect eggs, and that Sophie cooks those eggs every morning.  Its important to me and I think its things like that, that are so easy to get disconnected from.  I love so much that the kids are learning hard work.  They may not always like it :) but I believe their lives will be so much richer from it.

This year has been awesome.  I can't wait to see what else is in store. I can't wait to continue growing here in our home and expanding our "farm".  Living off our own land is something we have dreamed about and I believe that little by little we can get there.  We've just planted several fruit trees that will hopefully begin producing for us in a couple years.  Soon, Ernie will plant his garden.  In the years to come we'll add more livestock, and add more and more to the garden.  Along the way we'll continue teaching the kids about taking care of the earth we live on, and learning how to care for these animals we raise as food, how to grow their own food and how to best nourish their bodies with it.  Something I never realized, growing up, would end up being so important to me.  I feel as if its my duty to do this the best way possible and I'm so blessed to have a husband who feels the same way.
Its time for me to wrap this up: I have baby chicks to take care of. :)

What family means to me.

The past couple of months have brought lots of changes for our family.  I'd love to write a post about all the good stuff, (because there's a lot of it!) but heavy on my heart right now is the crappy stuff.  
We always have one aspect of our lives that is not the best.  And that's just something we have to deal with.  But one thing that, at least in my mind, remain constant, is family.  
Family to me means a lot of things.  It means safety.  People come into your life, some stay, some don't...but family should be the constant.  They are supposed to be permanent.  Along with that permanence comes acceptance, unconditional love, and being there for one another.  Supporting each other.  Taking everything about the other person and saying "all of that is okay.  I love you anyway.  Even if you're not perfect."  Its sharing with each other and having each other's back.  Its knowing the details of each other's lives and keeping it to yourself.  Keeping things in the family.  Knowing that family comes first.  Its being able to share with each other and know that the whole world isn't going to be talking about you.  Its knowing that you're accepted and what you see is what you get.  
I always have had that with my family.  We are definitely not perfect, but I have been sure of the fact that they love me.  I know that if I share something with them, it'll stay with them.  I know that I have their support and prayers.  I know that if I share happy news with them, they'll keep that in the family, as well.  They'll let me live my life as an adult with a family of my own and still be my family, without being meddling busybodies. Without judging the way I live my life and or the way my husband and I raise our children.
I just thought that's how families were.  
I didn't know that what I have is a huge blessing, and something that isn't as common as I'd assume.
Sometimes, there are families or family members who don't have, or don't know how to have, unconditional love.  Sometimes they don't understand the sacredness of family.  And that's sad to me.  
Its got my stomach in knots knowing that, even with the tragic news yesterday -- that many families have no choice, they will never see their sweet babies again -- that someone could make a conscious decision to not see family members again because of their pride.  My sweet babies are two of the biggest blessings in my life.  They are bright spots in this dark world and just because of petty things and because someone can't have their own way in our lives (our adult life, with our own family to raise how we feel best), they are choosing to leave the lives of my kids and not know them anymore.
It hurts, and its sad.  Very sad for my kids, but also sad for that person.  Sad that their life is that way.  I don't want to slander someone, I don't want to air dirty laundry, but I just want to share that this is unfathomable to me.  We have to let it happen because ultimately, we have to protect and nurture our children.  We have to raise them the way we see fit and the best way we know.  We have to provide love and happiness for them, not manipulation and poison.  We can't allow them to be jerked around.  We can't allow them to learn that is what family is about.  
its a sad day today.  But tomorrow is a different day, and we'll just use that as a new beginning.  We, here in this household, love each other unconditionally. And that's what I want to teach my children.

You mean there's no bacon?!

Tonight, driving around running errands, I was listening to Sophie 'pretend' with Gavin in the backseat.  I gotta tell you that her pretending is pretty real and specific.  She has a certain idea of how things are going to go down.

She was playing on her little lavender 'laptop' and suddenly smacked it and said "oh no, the power went out!  That means I can't watch any shows, and we can't open the fridge!" (Haha.)

There's a few minutes of silene, and I assume this scenario is over.  Then she loudly exclaims:

"Oh man!!...I can't cook any bacon!!"

Its nice to see, as a parent, that I'm teaching her the things that really matter.

Four year ago today, Sophie Grace changed my life forever.
I have had many titles throughout my life: daughter, sister, aunt, wife, even step-mom, but 8 pounds 7 ounces gave me a title I'll have for the rest of my life: mommy.  I had no idea what it would be like when they took her out of my stomach (creepy!) and I heard her cry. I even remember asking Ernie "Is that her?"  like what other baby would be in the operating room during my c-section??  It was just too unbelievable for my mind to comprehend.  That very first cry turned everything upside down so that nothing would ever be the same.  I laid eyes on Sophie a couple minutes later and I just felt like I recognized her.  I had never seen her before in my life but my heart knew her little face and her beautiful eyes and even her strong set of lungs as she wailed for a good amount of time. 
She continued to wail and use those lungs for a good part of the next year.  I learned what that title "mom" actually meant, as I got almost no sleep and cared more about if she was eating and sleeping and pooping and if she was clean and warm enough but not too warm, and if she was safe...I remember so much about those first few days, weeks, and months, but for the most part it passed in a blur.  Sophie Grace changed life and also gave me the greatest challenge ever.  During that time I wondered at my sanity at having actually wanted to be a mom, but looking back I of course would never change it. 
She kept growing and slowly I began to appreciate being a mom more and more.  Whereas first, it was more challenge than anything else, it slowly began to be more joy, less pain.  My bald little baby grew more into a curly headed little girl (with light colored hair that confused me...) and I could see more and more the light shining from within her.
Three years old hit and the best year ever of being a mom.  Every woman is different: some are drawn to the itty bitty baby stage, but I believe this stage: the 3 years old, learning to be more and more independent, and having more and more personality, is where its at for me.  Sophie has shown that she is full to the top and overflowing with personality.  She has hundreds of different expressions and looks that mean so many different things, and I feel as if I know them all.  She has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever had the pleasure to know and she amazes me on a daily basis at the things she thinks, feels, and understands.  To say that I never knew having a daughter would be like this would be a gross understatement.
Many people say they fell so in love instantly with their babies the second they saw them.  While this is true: my heart of course loved her as soon as I knew her, I believe Sophie and I got to know each other and I truly realized the full extent of my love for her after going through such trying times in my early days/months as a mom.  Maybe that seems harsh, but I don't believe that to be so.  Whether it happened suddenly or gradually, over time, I know that my heart could never be fuller than it is now.    Sophie dropped into my life and changed everything, and I am a far better person than I could ever possibly have been on my own.

Happy birthday to my beautiful, precious, intelligent, caring and hilarious little Sophie Grace.  Words cannot tell you how proud I am of the person you are and I am so blessed to be allowed to know and care for you.

Check up

Today we had Sophie's 4 year check up at the doctor.  I can't believe she's going to be 4 in just a couple weeks...ridiculous. 
Sophie did great.  She weighs 42 pounds and is 42 inches tall...so in the 90th percentile for both!  I told her doc that people always say "Oh my gosh she's only THREE?!" like I gave birth to the child of the Jolly Green Giant or something, and she just rolled her eyes and said "she's perfect".  She proportional, so not to worry! Which I knew but is always so good to hear from a smarty pants.  She had Sophie spell her name, hop on one foot, talk about dressing herself (no problem, Sophie was wearing her pink camo wool socks and water shoes, if she needed any proof that Sophie does, indeed, dress herself).  She was impressed that Sophie wrote her name for her, and doubly impressed when she told the doc what to do in an emergency (call 911!!). 
The doctor was delighted with most everything else. :)  She was happy with us eating paleo, which is so nice to hear.  Sophie's last pediatrician had no idea how Sophie would ever grow or use her brain without a diet full of wheat, so it was nice that this doctor knew what "paleo" was, and actually showed approval over it.  Success! (Not that it matters, either...I made it clear to the un-believer that I'm the parent so I'll feed her/raise her/discipline her/do whatever I want the way I see best, and I'd do the same if this one doubted me as well;). ) 
We had to go over to the lab to have blood work to check for anemia "real quick" after the appointment, because Sophie has been anemic in the past so we always have to keep up with that.  The lab was packed!  The receptionist gave Sophie some paper and crayons and Sophie announced very loudly that she was drawing Loki and Thor.  The teenage boy across from us looked at her in admiration.  Finally when we got back there Sophie got her finger stuck and then squeezed and squeezed for blood to fill up a tube.  She just sat and stared though, so I was a pretty proud mama. The lab techs said she was awesome and that the "big girl" before her had to be held down (she was maybe 18). 
The only thing that wasn't the best was that she failed her eye test. :( Noooooooo.  I have been hoping and hoping she wouldn't get my bad eyes...I had to schedule a follow up with an eye doctor to have her tested more thoroughly.  I hope she doesn't need glasses already! Sad day.
Overall it was a success for my big girl. :)

Hell just froze over you guys

For serious.  I don't know if I've posted on here about Gavin's food aversions, but I have lamented about it often on facebook, and if you know me well, you know it is a HUGE source of stress for me.  He's not just a picky eater, he has a serious phobia about certain foods.  Not even just certain foods: MOST foods except for a select few things, and all junk food.  Honestly, if it comes in a package, most likely he will eat it.  Anything that comes in a happy meal, macaroni and cheese (but it has to be in the blue box!), frozen chicken nuggets (even after I showed him the video of how they MAKE those...*shudder*), hot dogs, ALL CANDY, chips, etc. 
I hate it.  I suppose I could just feed him chips and fast food every day to make things easy, and life would be happy, there would be no tension here at home...call me crazy, but I care what he's putting into his growing body and what's fueling his growing and changing mind.  I cringe thinking about all the nutrients he's missing out on, and wonder if he's sick all the time with a chronic cough because he'll only eat crap.  I get lucky in the fact that he WILL eat baby carrots and apples.  I send those puppies in his lunch every day!  I'd get sick of that much repetition, but I am seriously at a loss most of the time on meals.  I have made it clear that I am not a short order cook.  I make very healthy and delicious meals for the family, and that is what everyone eats.  But it is like Armageddon in here on nights that I try to get him to eat something that isn't fried or full of who knows what.  Its awful. 
So tonight, we cooked out for the first time this season.  Hooray!  Here's what I had to make: turkey burgers.   I didn't have any hot dogs (because I usually don't).  I put the turkey burger on his plate with some fruit and veggies.  Let's get this straight: If it was covered with a bun and in a wrapper that said "McDonalds", he'd be digging in.  But we don't eat buns up in here, and he doesn't like condiments, so this is just straight meat patty.  While the rest of us dug in, Ernie and I steeled ourselves for the stressful meal.
Then hell froze over and some pigs flew by the window.
When prompted, he TOOK A BITE of the turkey burger.  And you know what you guys?!  He didn't die or puke.  It was a miracle!  So, I did the grown up, adult thing.
I cried.  You have to understand how much this is on my mind, every day.  Do you see all my posts on facebook about health and nutrition??  Do you understand that I just want the best for these kids??  It kills me every day that I try to make something that is unoffensive to him but that will not also add to obesity or disease.  So, when he took a bite of something unprocessed and un-fast-food, I shed a little tear.  Awkward!  But that is okay.  I will feel embarassed at the dinner table for this VICTORY, and it is definitely a victory in this house.  I feel like taking all the money out of my purse and showering it on him. 
It made such an impact on me, I had to blog about it and let everyone know I cried over a turkey burger. :)

Satan invented gluten, you know.

Want to hear me gush about the benefits of eating paleo some more? I bet you do!
Sorry if you don't...I'm not that interesting so we'll stick with stuff I'm excited about.

There have been a ridiculous amount of positive changes and benefits to us switching to a paleo lifestyle.  More than I thought.  Quite a while ago we decided we'd try it, because what could it hurt, right?  Most people who care enough to take the time to read my blog posts also know that over the past year I had a lot of health problems and scary things go on that were sort of a mystery to doctors.  Enough that we really would try anything to improve my health and reverse the things that were going on. 
So anyway, we went back and forth with paleo.  We ate a good portion of our food 'paleo friendly' but we also ate non-paleo stuff.  Or sometimes we'd stick to it then get off track.  But I got sick of that.  Literally, SICK.  And I was tired of always being sick.  Sick, and fat...and no matter what I tried, I couldn't feel better, and I couldn't lose weight.  I wasn't a closet binge-er or anything, either.  It wasn't like I was only being good in public and then doing stuff to sabotage my success.  I couldn't figure it out and that kind of thing is so frustrating it makes me want to scream and cry.  I decided to just suck it up. 
The beginning of switching to a totally paleo lifestyle is, I won't lie, hard.  Really tough.  You realize what you are really addicted to, and you want those things you've given up more than you want anything!  Food is scarier than an addiction to crack. Because, you know, you have to eat!  May as well eat pasta and cookies and chips, right??  Okay so we ate pretty 'healthy' in the first place.  But becoming really strict about it takes quite the adjustment period.  I have no will power.  I'm very impressed with myself that I finally reached the point where I could give everything up and do it semi-easily.  I guess maybe 3 hospital visits in one year and multiple doctors visits with different doctors with no real answers is my final straw.  I'm 29 for crying out loud. Not 70. 
So a benefit I have is that I love to cook, and I'm a stay at home mom.  That is a hard job, don't get me wrong, but it also puts me here, in the house, more than I would be if I had a job outside the home, and  that helps me have the ability to find good recipes and make a variety of paleo meals and snacks for us.  If I wasn't here as my job, I would probably have found that to be an overwhelming thing to start.  However, now that I know how to eat/cook/shop paleo, I can tell you: it is really easy.  If you don't have any idea what to make for dinner one night, there's no reason to panic.  Cook some meat.  Cook some veggies.  Bam. Dinner's done.  You can get fancy, which is nice to add some variety, but you can also do it that basic and you'll have a satisfying meal.
What was my point...? Oh yeah.  Okay so I finally made up my mind and stuck to it.  Amazing.  I had no idea I felt SO BAD before.  Yeah I felt bad enough a few times to make my way to the hospital (I even took my first ever ambulance ride...scary), but I didn't realize how bad I felt on a daily basis.  Every single day, I felt some sort of aches and pains.  Did I find that troubling? NO (which is even scarier). I just had lived like that so long, that it was normal. It was life.  Everyone must have that right? No, wrong.  My aches and pains went away.  My constant stomach/intestinal issues/pains/discomfort...GONE.  The crippling chest pain I had been having that made me feel, honestly, that I was going to die (but doctors couldn't figure out) has been gone for months, with no indications of returning.  That is the biggest thing.  To make *that* pain go away, I'd really do almost anything.  I have enough energy to exercise regularly, and on top of that, I *want* to.  When I don't, I notice a difference in the way I feel, emotionally.
Aside from my health problems prompting me to this change, a big...no, HUGE factor in my success was reading Robb Wolf's book, The Paleo Solution, which you can buy here (and I highly recommend doing so...even if you're skeptical about this "paleo" thing.)
I was reading this book and he asked a list of questions, and as I read them, I thought..."oh my gosh. He wrote this book for ME." Because:
Yes, I sleep less than 9 hours per night.  YES, I have problems falling asleep/staying asleep.  I wake up more exhausted than when I went to bed...I really only get to feeling fully awake in the evening, when its almost time for sleep again!  YES, i'm tired and achy all the time!  I DO have frequent upper-respiratory infections.  I DO live and die by stimulants (COFFEE)...I have definitely gained fat in the midsection, even carefully watching my food intake.  I HAVE SO experience memory problems (which has caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Why can't I just freaking REMEMBER stuff?!) And I definitely have problems with depression.
These were the answers to almost every single question on his list.  What is the solution to all of these things?  Eat paleo. And get sleep.
I've been doing those things and you cannot truly understand the difference its made unless you live with me.  Seriously.  Night and day.  I still have a significant amount of weight to lose.  And while that's really troubling to me, its a slow process and I just have to accept that.  The most important part is the difference it has made in my health and well-being. 
Another sign of this is recently, I had something by mistake that had gluten in it.  If I was skeptical before that eating paleo was causing all the beneficial changes, this would have made me a believer.  I felt SO SICK.  My stomach cramped up.  I got a headache. I got itchy.  Oh man I felt terrible.  From ONE thing.  I had never realized before how food was making me feel...but going back to the 'old ways' showed me just how awful I was always feeling, and I was just so used to it I didn't even notice. That was kinda scary. 
Another thing I realized, as I thought more about it and paid attention to the effects that slip up had on me, was how much my mood is effected by the things I put in my body.  That one incident made me feel a little crazy.  Like I was on a roller coaster. So I went back through my brain and looked at the calender and I could actually pin point the roller coaster emotions as being times when we were eating only 'sorta' paleo.  Artificial, processed things and gluten actually do, in fact, make me crazy.  You get sort of a euphoric feeling at the moment you are eating those things, and then a huge crash.  I felt overly emotional (which for me, is saying something) the next few days.  Stupid little things made me cry.  This last time, I felt like my world was honestly coming to an end, over stuff that really wasn't that big of a deal.  I cried, felt so overly depressed I couldn't go about my normal daily business...and why would I ever want to feel that way??
Isn't that ridiculous?!  It helped, though, in a major way, to reinforce in my mind that we are doing the absolute right thing.  Eating paleo has changed my life.  I'm not where I want to be, physically, but everything else has made such a huge turn around.  And its awesome!  If you need me, I'll be standing on the corner with a pro-paleo sandwich board on, ringing a bell.

Bam! Bacon!

I feel Sophie's little pearl of wisdom from yesterday deserves it's own blog post.  We were driving out to pick Gavin up from school, and we drive through a lot of farm land.  This got her talking about farm animals...
"Mom.  We should get a pig.  Not a boy pig, because they're mean, but a girl pig.  So we should get a girl pig, and when the pig gets all the way fat...BAM -- bacon!"

Man, she's so smart. 
I've tried to let her know about how we get meat, and apparently she sort of gets the concept.

We have a writer!

I'm not sure if this really warrants a blog post, but I am a mom, so -- it should be expected. :)  I'm not sure where this is on the development timeline for a 3 year old, but I am SUPER excited that Sophie wrote her name today all by herself!  In school we're still just working on the beginning of the alphabet, shapes, and a couple numbers.  She's seemed to be slower at getting how to write letters, etc., which has been fine because I know everyone develops different stuff more easily.  I learned to read early and with ease, and math came later.  Or okay, lets face it, I still can't do math.
Anyway, last week I think it was, Sophie wrote random letters on a paper she was coloring on, so I decided well, she can verbally spell her name, lets see how she does with the letters.  So I've been writing it out for her, hoping she'd get it.  She will say it very quickly, but, as with ALL writing, she has been hesitant.  Come to find out, she's just being STUBBORN, once again.  I was in the bathroom drying my hair today and she came in and yelled at me "MOM I wrote an S!"  I came out to see and sure enough, she did.  She also had followed it with O - P - H - I - E.  Little trickster.  I am so proud of my little stinker!

When she thinks its HER choice...

Sophie is a stubborn little fart.  I have absolutely NO idea where she got that from....

Moving on.  Today she said to me several times that she thought we were going to go to McDonalds and get a mcflurry.  Which is funny, because I never said any such thing, and I have no idea where she got the idea.  If she was trying to convince me I actually said that, then she gets points for thinking that up.  However, it didn't work.  She wasn't too happy that she couldn't have junk food for dinner, and I have had a bad headache for the better part of 4 hours, which pushed all ideas for dinner out of my brain. 
So I decided Sophie should pick something out.  I had her look in the cabinets and in the fridge, and she chose: a zucchini, bacon, green onions, artichoke hearts, and grape tomatoes.  I added eggs and mixed that all up for her, and she couldn't have been happier!  The ice cream was forgotten and she was very pleased with herself that she 'planned' dinner.  She ate it all up, no complaining, and giggled the whole time. 
As long as she thought dinner was her choice, she was happy with it.  And I will say, that she eats paleo food with MUCH less complaining than she does 'regular' food.  If she were to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I would have to remind her to keep eating about 147 times during the meal.  Stir fried veggies though, and some awesome protein, and she's done faster than I am!  *Especially* if she helps cook it. 

by chef Sophie

And I'm really happy about that!

Medical woes...

I had my follow up appointment with my nurse practitioner today, to go over the results of my thyroid scan I had last week.  I told Ernie I would cry if they didn't find any thyroid problems --meaning, I want an explanation of *why* I am unable to lose weight, no matter what I do.  I don't want to have a medical problem, but if its something that could give me some answers, I'd rather that be the case. 
I did not go back on my word.  I cried in the NP's office.  Super.  Luckily she was very nice to me about it.  Apparently they still can't understand the source of the problem. I do, however, have a nodule on my thyroid, and they don't know what its from.  I have to go back for another scan in 6 months, and if it has grown at all, I have to have surgery to biopsy it.  When she told me about the nodule, she started asking me all about my mom's cancer, and what type of cancer she had, and when, etc.  So that was a little scary.  She ordered a few more blood tests, which I had drawn at my appointment (and Sophie watched, she's a weirdo - just like her momma).  I guess I'll find out about those in a week or two...but the bottom line is, this was yet another medical appointment, more money spent, and no answers found. 
She told me to cut out processed foods.  Uh check, did that a while ago.  She told me to not eat junk food.  OKay yeah, I know that (valentine's candy didn't count :)).  Don't drink pop.  I don't!  I also don't eat grains.  Or dairy.  Or anything else that could contribute whatsoever to any sort of weight GAIN...and the way we eat definitely should contribute to weight LOSS.  I am personally at a loss and I feel quite a bit of -- despair I guess would be the word.  I don't sit on my couch all day long eating junk food.  I work out.  I eat right.  I drink a ridiculous amount of water.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Mayleo

Okay here is the quite delicious paleo mayo that I made. 

I followed the directions from Nom Nom Paleo, who is much funnier than me and also seems to be a much better cook.  I figured if that's the way she said to do it, it would work.  And, it did!  My ingredients aren't quite the same as she suggests, but what I used was tasty, so here ya go!

(I will say, these measurements are approximate.  I don't really always use measuring spoons/cups, but this is a good estimate. :) )

*4 egg yolks

*1 tsp sea salt

*1 tsp yellow mustard

*4 tsp white vinegar

*3-4 tsp lemon juice

*3 cups olive oil

1. Combine all but the oil in a bowl

2. Whisk for about 30 seconds, until yolk has thickened

3. Add 1 cup olive oil in a slow steady stream while whisking like crazy (about 1 minute)

4. Add the 2nd cup of olive oil in the same way (your arm will most likely be killing you by now)

5. Add the last cup of oil all at once

6. Whisk whisk whisk!

It'll get thick and mayo-like -- voila you're done!  In my opinion, this is better than the mayo you buy at the store.  As our friend Nick pointed out, it looks like mashed up peeps because its pretty bright yellow. :) 



Contentment

I have been sitting here, watching the kids run around our entire house.  Sophie is wearing nothing but a tutu and mismatched socks, carrying a hula hoop and chasing Gavin screaming "Come here you freak! I'm gonna get you! Hop in the circle!"  I feel oddly content.  Oddly, because they're being pretty loud, and - thanks to the m&ms they got earlier - wild.  However, no one is pestering me, no one is arguing, they are just 100% delighted with whatever it is they think they are doing.  And I love it.

I have often wondered about the quality of their childhood.  Gavin for obvious reasons, because he goes back and forth between houses.  I was blessed enough to never have to do that.  My parents are still married after 45 years.  I don't know what growing up like that would even feel like, and I wish that I could empathize with him a little, just because I can't say things like "I know how you feel", because I don't.  I want him to know that we understand this life isn't the most ideal without making him think he should feel awkward about the life he has.  I know he's used to it, because its been his life the majority of the time he's been on this earth.  It still doesn't mean its fair.
I also have worried about Sophie, because her life isn't traditional, either.  She has a big brother - and I understand that he is technically her half brother, but this in all honesty is something I only completely realized recently.  I have never thought of them as "half" anything.  He is her bubba and she is his sissy and that's just how its been.  However, her big bubby that she loves so much is here and then gone for a period of time, then comes back...and it goes on and on in that cycle.  That is hard on her.  We also had a long period of time where her daddy was laid off and on unemployment, and things were hard.  Things still are hard -- that's how it is for a lot of people nowadays.  We have a lot of struggles, monetary sure but definitely more so in other areas.  I have worried about the effect these things have on her quality of life.  Recently I voiced these concerns to Ernie and he said..."the hard times are only hard for us."  The amount she feels and understands the difficulties and burdens our family has is the amount we allow into her life.  I don't think kids should think life is perfect.  I don't think they should believe that parents never argue and everything is just wonderful as can be.  However, discussing it with my honey made me realize what he said is true: Sophie has a happy life.  Daddy was unemployed for a large amount of time -- hard on us, but for her, she had her daddy around to play with a lot.  She has a daddy who is such a good parent -- she has unlimited access to mommy, since my full time job is to be home with her and take care of her.  She has a big brother she loves.  She has food and clothes and shelter.  She gets to learn and do crafts and go to the park and have a dog...she has extended family who loves her and she gets to experience a lot of awesome things, like going camping, and going hiking in the mountains, and going clam digging, and crabbing, and learning how to cook.  She laughs every day and she feels loved and safe every night when she gets tucked into bed.  She knows every night I'll sing her "Good night Sweetheart" and that every morning we'll be here when she wakes up. 
Seeing life through their eyes I think yeah...our life is pretty good.  And I feel content in that.